Have you spent a lot of time and money trying to be more likable? You’ve probably already learned that the efforts spent on improving your appearance, reputation, accomplishments, social skills, etc. don’t automatically result in increased likability. Likability is based on something more fundamental.
Likability will always come down to how you make someone feel.
How someone feels around you is connected to their two emotional levels of human desire:
1. Shallow desires
2. Deep desires
On a shallow level, people want to relax, learn, play, laugh, be entertained, and generally enjoy themselves.
The deep level is the heavier stuff—they want to feel loved, respected, valued, and listened to.
Start becoming hyper-aware of how you make others feel on both levels—are you contributing value on a shallow level? Are people able to relax around you? Do you know how to play and laugh and tell interesting stories? Alternatively, do you bring down the energy? Do you get defensive easily? Are you overly negative?
How about on a deeper level? Do people feel they can trust you? Do you make them feel listened to? Do people feel like you respect them? Do you inspire or help? Alternatively, do you make them feel insecure, judged, incompetent, or disrespected?
You don’t need to become the most likable person in the room, but simply become more aware of how you make others feel. Consider the emotional impact you have on others and you’ll understand why people may or may not enjoy your company. Make efforts to improve these two areas and you’ll naturally enhance the quality and success rate of your relationships.
Be more interested in others. Care about them more. Show appreciation. Look for the good in others and highlight it. “You’re always so good at—how do you do that?” or “This really saved me some time, thank you for finishing that report.” Ask follow-up questions based on previous conversations. Do you remember them mentioning how their mom was hospitalized last month? As the great Dale Carnegie once said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
Think about the person or people who make you feel comfortable. Likable and easy-going people are usually comfortable in their own skin and have embraced their character flaws. They are okay with being a little vulnerable. They are the first to admit they aren’t perfect and are happy to laugh at their personal quirks. They aren’t always on edge or one bad joke away from becoming defensive. They don’t overreact to a trivial problems, but rather know how to go-with-the-flow. They give off a relaxing vibe and are fun to be around.
Strive to be someone who’s enjoyable to be around and also someone who cares about other people on deeper levels.
Stay social my friends,
Greg